Cars 101: How To Be A Ricer

Back in 2001 there was a little film called The Fast And The Furious that came out, and for all intents and purposes, it created the ricer fad as we know it today. Ricers are all about excessive automotive expression by any means unnecessary. Letting everyone know how cool your car is because of the, mostly useless (or obnoxious), upgrades you have made is the goal. Its like being a “diet car enthusiast”; you get to act like you know your stuff and have a cool car, but without putting forth the money and effort to actually have the real thing. So at this point you may be thinking, “Wow that’s so neat, but how can I become a full fledged ricer myself?” The answer may be simpler than you’d think.   

’92 Chevy Cavalier, a great place to start

The foundation of any ricer is a “phat whip” to call your own and show off to anyone who wouldn’t care. The stereotype is of course the Honda Civic, but any car with a very low performance potential will do. A car cannot be a ricer out of the box anyway without some sort of enhancements, unless, of course, you own a Scion and decide to have a look at the options list. So find yourself a nice cheap car, preferably with a lot of rough edges so you can have room to customize.

Okay, so now that you have your car, you need to make it your own with some “dope” modifications. You of course don’t want to spend too much money–so be ready to do a lot of things yourself with simple household items.

The first thing any true ricer needs is that loud, farty exhaust note. This can be accomplished by drilling or poking multiple holes in your muffler because buying an actual exhaust system will probably cost you more than the car. The reason it is important to have a loud exhaust so that everyone knows how much cooler you are than them when you drive by. Without this, they will not fully understand. If you want the car to be even louder still you should remove your air intake box because it quiets down the engine. Many racecars run without an air filter so it must add a lot of performance. Air filters are for softies, not hardcore enthusiasts like you.

The next step is to give your car a unique appearance so that your car won’t look the same as any other car on the road. Adding a body kit or a few simple accessories will do. When looking for a body kit you must realize that this is where you should spend the majority of your money because if your car looks intimidating, many people will back down from a race so you wont have to spend a lot of money on your engine. Your body kit should have as many vents and intakes as possible, even if they are purely aesthetic and don’t actually serve a purpose. A big wing, or “spoiler” is a must to show that your car is fast and needs that extra downforce like a Formula 1 car. It also helps to add scoops on your hood and roof that lead to nothing because then you can tell people your car is supercharged, thus increasing their fear of embarrassment. Adding fake portholes to the side fender is also a way to dress your car up and add a bit of class to your otherwise, extremely aggressive car. Also, don’t worry about painting any of this because all paint does is add weight, and you’re all about saving every gram in the name of speed. You will also need special clear tail lights because they save weight and use less electricity, thus allowing you spark plugs to give you more power.

When it comes to your wheels you need to realize that your game must look top-notch. Real spinning rims are expensive, but luckily for you, most major auto supply stores sell bright, chrome, spinning hubcaps that you can just pop on for like 25 bucks. This way people will know your game is tight even though you saved some money.

Lastly there are the modifications that go beyond all else and really set your car apart from all others. First and foremost are scissor doors–Lamborghinis have them, so you must add them. Nothing beats the looks on everyone’s faces when they see your doors lift toward the heavens. Secondly you will need “underglow” and window tint. These are both things that you can use to show people how hardcore of an enthusiast you are by constantly complaining about how the cops keep pulling you over because of your “illegal mods”.

If you are someone who finds themselves constantly being drawn into actual races because of excessing trash talking, you should equip your ride with Nitrous Oxide or “NOS”. Nitrous allows you to add s good amount of temporary power to your car without actually having a proper setup for real performance. It is simply a spray-can, hooked into the intake, activated with a button. This either allows you to back up your smack talking on the streets, or provides a convenient excuse for losing a race via, “My Nos wasn’t working right”. Hell, you could even just have an empty tank hooked up and nobody would know the difference, allowing you to save face if you do actually get in a race, and inevitably get walked on by a real car.

Now, the car is a big part of being a ricer, but the behavioral side of it is just as important. You must act like you are cool at all times while driving your car. If anyone messes with you it is mandatory that you challenge them to a race for pink slips on the spot, no matter where you are. At car meets it is imperative that you act overly confrontational toward everyone, and you need to make a big deal out of the most trivial things when critiquing someone else’s car with a way that your car is better. Any challenge no matter how small must be met with a full on counter attack. Being a ricer is all about “one upping”, and asserting your automotive dominance. If you see another fast car on the road it is a rule that you must floor it past them in what is known as a “ricer fly by”. Everyone must know that you are a hardcore racer not to be screwed with on the streets.

If you think you can handle the ricer lifestyle, then go check Craigslist for a solid deal on some sweet metal, the best deals are to be found in impoverished areas with high crime rates because nobody else thinks to look there. If the guy tells you that the car is in back of an alley and that he will meet you there at 1am sharp, then you know you’ve got yourself an extremely legit deal on what is surely a gem of an automobile. Just be sure to bring cash with you to the meeting as most such sellers don’t like to leave a paper trail in order to keep their bargains a secret.

The ugliest car on earth just got uglier

If you think you can handle it then step up. It’s really just two easy steps, get a car, and rice it out. Then act like a complete toolbag everywhere you go. That’s it!!!

One more thing: “But what if I have a lot of money in a trust fund and want to be a ricer too?” Don’t despair, you’re not excluded here. In fact you have the opportunity to be one of the most notorious styles of ricer out there, an Exotic Abomination. With all of your money you can buy some of the best cars in the world and then you can ruin them by adding the same sort of tacky modifications as any other common ricer. The only difference is your obnoxious body kits and parts will cost more than a normal ricer’s car. Bad taste is best savored when you’ve spent obscene amounts of money to get there.

-Nick Walker

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27 thoughts on “Cars 101: How To Be A Ricer”

  1. Good job! One error in the first paragraph is “intensive purposes.” That is incorrect. It should read …for all intents and purposes.

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    1. Fixed, thanks for pointing that out. I’ve actually been saying it that way all my life, just must’ve misheard it as a young kid and never was corrected till now lol

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  2. Don’t be dissin ricers, they provide quality entertainment for real car people. It’s like Saturday Night Live on wheels with Toonces The Cat driving!

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    1. Your all just bitching because you cant afford ricers because of your boring useless pathetic 9 to 5. And children filled lives remember you only live once!

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  3. i raced a subi last year, he was pissin me off, turned out he was a comedian with a shredded transmission 60 feet later, i couldnt stop laughin the entire time he was counting out the bet of 500 bucks to me…

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  4. Making your car faster is easy and very cheap; hold the accelerator to the floor and keep holding it to the floor. Slow cars can get to entertainingly fast speeds using this simple and effective method. No money need be spent on tricky tyres or bodykits. The only expenses are speeding fines and fuel, and the only problems are with passengers and objects sliding rapidly about inside the car.

    Cornering is conducted along similar principles. The car works perfectly well on stock tyres and suspension. Be sure to pump the tyres up to the maximum pressure written on the sidewall. Also be sure to learn how to control cars travelling sideways. You will discover that drifting is slow and noisy, and the happiest fast drivers are the ones that no-one notices.

    Finally, the aim of all body modifications for cars belonging to real fast drivers is anonymity. The ultimate fast car looks invisible, or at least extremely boring. No wings, no flashy paint, no fart cannon exhausts, no roaring, no screeching, no smoke; just a quiet whoosh of tyres as the world’s most boring car overtakes at 95 mph in a cloud of invisibility.

    And no chicks. Chicks don’t like amusing driving. They just slide about crashing into doors and your elbows. It makes them unhappy, and it is a nuisance.

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  5. This is hilarious. I laughed non-stop. Honestly, I take no offense to this, even though I’ll be somewhat of a “ricer” soon. And it makes no sense when people get offended by the blatent reality that you just described. Everyone knows it’s true. You must have really spent time on this. Good job!

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  6. Man this is really funny, personal favorite is the paragraph about “Exotic Abominations” a part of me dies inside every time I see one. But then again I will admit to being guilty of “ricing” just last summer I had my STI’s wheels painted neon blue just so that they would match the interior.

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    1. Haha. Yea I think we’re all a little guilty of ricing, even with just with our behavior. I too have an STi, an 04, and its got gray wheels on one side and black on the other. I liked both looks, so I figured I could have both because you can only see one side at a time. That said, I have gotten flamed on the forums for it just on principle lol. There is a little ricer in every car guy.

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  7. I drive an econo shitbox to work and mind my own business. I am amazed that these shitstain ricers feel that they need to challenge it.

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  8. That’s hilarious! Does it make you feel like a big man making fun of kids trying to put their own artistic touch to the car they can actually afford? You must of started with a brand new car you never made any mods on when you were 16. Not everyone has penis envy and feel the need to spend $40k for 450 hp. Some just enjoy making their car stand out from the other 10 million civics. I feel it’s an artistic design, the car being a canvass. Not everyone feels the need to race, it is a matter of spending a lot of money to buy speed and horsepower and if you can’t work on a car, install usually costs more than the parts. Your an idiot and your opinion is worthless.

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